We Are All On Crack
by Zorua101
Summary: In which Levy takes up a career as a doctor, Erza is dating a cake, Bickslow tries to talk Freed out of getting a haircut, Natsu dresses as a clown, and everyone gets drunk. In other words, the entire guild is on crack.
1. New Year's

**Author's note: I just had to write a Fairy Tail crack story. I've been completely obsessed with that anime lately. Please note that this story contains MAJOR OOC (out of character), lots of alcohol, and sheer randomness. There is absolutely no plot. I might include pairings later, but it's very unlikely.**

**DISCLAIMER: Me no own Fairy Tail. The great lord Hiro Mashima own Fairy Tail. **

* * *

The thing about this story is that nobody knows when it began. The Fairy Tail guild has been as crazy as ever since the day it started more than a century ago. The time this story is set, though, is one of the craziest years there's ever been at the guild.

Obviously, the story begins on New Year's Eve, one of the few nights of the year when the entire guild gets drunk – even Wendy and Romeo. So the guild was about a hundred times crazier. How crazy, you ask?

Crazy enough for Gray to be doing the Macarena half-naked on a table. Crazy enough for Natsu to be actually cheering him on. Crazy enough for all twelve of the zodiac celestial spirits to be swaying back and forth while singing The Sailor Song, Leo occasionally pausing to try and convince Lucy to join in.

Even some members of other guilds were at the party: Lyon was sitting next to Juvia and helping her cheer Gray on. Sherry was sitting behind Cana, waiting for her to turn around so that she could steal her beer. Sting and Rogue, despite being the guild's enemies, were sitting on stools and singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the most awful singing voices you've ever heard. Angel was chasing her little sister around with a wooden club. People who weren't in any particular guild had turned up, too, even the villains. For example, Zeref was currently having his hair eaten by Mavis.

"Barmaid!" a very drunk Mirajane hollered at him. "Get me another beer!"

"You're the barmaid, you stupid bitch!" he replied.

"OM NOM NOM," said Mavis.

"Lucy~," Leo pleaded, trying for the umpteenth time to persuade his mistress to join in with the celestial spirits' singing.

"Leo, how many times do I have to tell you "no" before you'll leave me alone?" the blonde snarled.

"Infinity~!"

"I hate you when you're drunk…"

"That's a coincidence! So do the other celestial spirits!"

Evergreen sighed. "If I had known any of this would happen, I would've brought my video camera."

"You always forget your camera, Ever," Freed snapped, taking another sip of beer. His mind was starting to go foggy, but he actually kind of liked the feeling.

New Year's Eve was the only night when most people understood how Cana, the guild's alcohol murderer, felt.

After about another half an hour, several more guild members were completely drunk.

Bisca stood up and began to stumble across the room for another beer, but was stopped when Alzack suddenly threw his arms around her.

"Don't leave me~!" he sobbed.

She looked down at him in annoyance. "Let go! I need another freaking beer!"

Alzack looked up at her. "B-but I don't want you to leave me…"

Bisca sighed and picked him up, carrying him over her shoulder.

Erza stormed across the room, a dark aura surrounding her, toward Gray, who had quit the Macarena and was now dancing to Gangnam Style. "This… is… FAIRY TAIL!" she roared, kicking him across the room so that he crashed down one of the walls, clearly showing a view of another room. Laki, who had gone into that particular room to get away from the chaos and was now sitting in a chair and reading a book, froze up at the sight of the glaring redhead.

Natsu suddenly walked in front of Erza, blocking her view of Laki. "Hey, yooou hurt Gray!" he slurred. "Let's ba… uh… what's the word? Oh yeah. Battle!"

"It's on," Erza hissed, drawing her sword.

The swordswoman and the dragon slayer charged toward each other, each preparing their strongest attacks, until they were just about to clash – and a very drunk Juvia wandered across their path, swaying slightly, tears streaming down her face.

"Juvia can't believe that you would do this, Erza and Natsu! You traitors!" she sobbed. Both mages had stopped in place just before they hit her. The crying water mage now collapsed on top of Gray, and the battle continued.

Meanwhile, the celestial spirits' singing was being challenged by equally horrible, equally loud singing from Jet and Droy. They were both screaming "Blow" by Ke$ha at the top of their lungs, trying to be heard above the sailor song (which had been repeated more than ten times now). Levy was on the counter, rolling back and forth while laughing her ass off. Gajeel was sitting behind the counter, swigging glass after glass of beer. He slammed the latest glass down on the counter.

"More alcohol!" he roared, before spinning around and pointing to Macao and Wakaba. "You, sideways guy! Get me another beer!"

Wakaba, who was sitting on a stool in front of the counter, yawned and pointed at himself. "Y'mean… me?"

Macao, who was lying sideways on the counter, stared at Gajeel. "I think he means me…" he hiccupped.

Evergreen stormed over to Gajeel and hit him across the head with a beer. "Happy, you heinous bitch?!" she snapped, before turning and walking away.

"Wonder what my son is up to," Macao commented.

Somewhere in the guild, Romeo was leaning against the wall, chatting to a very dizzy Wendy. "You know, you know what we should do?" he slurred. "We should take Arza's, no, Erza's car and just go. Drive off to the, the city and just – hic – get married, and have something like… I dunno… four thousand and eighty-two children? Hic."

"Dizzy," Wendy replied. "Very dizzy…"

Leo got down on one knee as if he was going to propose to Lucy. "Lucy, will you please join the celestial spirits in their song?"

The blonde, who was now drunk, giggled. "Of course, Leo!" And she joined in the song.

Laxus, who was laughing almost as loudly as the three singing groups were singing, leaned toward Freed, grinning. "So how are you enjoying the party?!" he yelled.

Freed folded his arms. "I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm hungry, there are no pretzels left, it's too loud and I have a headache. How do you think I feel?"

Laxus considered this for a moment. "Overjoyed!" he exclaimed, laughing out loud again.

Bickslow was leaning upside-down against the wall. "They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HAHA, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time!" …And he continued singing.

"Gimme dat hat!" Cana screeched at Bisca.

"No!" snapped the greenette.

"Gimme dat hat!"

"No!"

"Gimme dat hat!"

"Fucking no!"

Cana simply walked up and snatched the hat off of Bisca's head, walking over and placing it gently on an empty can of beer. Strangely enough, Bisca did nothing to stop her, although it was possibly because Alzack was still clinging to her.

"Oh, so you think you can defy a real MAN?!" Elfman shouted, glaring at the hat-wearing beer. "Flaunting yo cowboy hat? Sittin' there all smug like that? I will destroy you!"

Cana watched in horror as Elfman pummeled the beer into the ground. She fell to her knees, sobbing. "No, beer! We weren't even married yet!" She lay down on the floor and started bawling.

"I am Harry Potter and I shall fly!" Laki announced, standing on the table. Her friends had convinced her to drink some beer, and she was about to leap right into the middle of Natsu and Erza's fight. With a loud exclamation of "Geronimo~!", she leapt off of the table, landing on top of Gray and Juvia by some miracle.

"Bring me more alcohol!" Gajeel and Makarov simultaneously ordered Zeref.

"What-what-what-what is going on here?!" Zeref yelled. "Why does everyone think I'm a barmaid?"

"I dunno, but your hair's delicious," Mavis told him.

Angel had finally succeeded in catching up to Yukino, and was attempting to beat her with the wooden club, but the younger sibling kept dodging with what she considered to be ninja-like movements.

And in the middle of all the craziness, Erza and Natsu clashed one final time…

Which caused the whole place to blow up.


	2. Doctor Levy

**Author's note: Thank you all so much for you reviews! I really appreciate the support.**

**So here be chapter 2. Also, I forgot to mention it in chapter 1, but this story is set pre-timeskip, so the whole Tenrou Island thing hasn't happened yet.**

* * *

"…Why am I hugging a beer?"

"Why am I on top of Gray and Juvia?"

"_Where the hell is my hat?!"_

Everybody sat up or climbed out of the rubble with various complaints and exclamations of anger. Somehow, the bar counter had been left standing, and Levy and Macao were both fast asleep at opposite ends of it. Gajeel, Jet, Droy, Cana (who was hugging the destroyed beer), Sting, Rogue, Alzack and Bisca were on the floor with their backs against the counter, the chairs they had been sitting on in splinters on the bare ground. Laki crawled out from under the rubble, closely followed by Juvia and Gray. Erza and Natsu pushed the remains of the guild roof off of themselves and looked around. Gajeel, Mirajane and Elfman tried to climb out of the ruins, but were both completely out of energy from the New Year's party and collapsed again. Makarov was still asleep and snoring quite loudly. About half of one wall was standing, and Bickslow was in the same position he had been in last night – upside-down against the wall. Freed had somehow ended up wearing Laxus's coat (probably due to all his complaints about being too cold), and was wrapped in the garment on the floor next to Bickslow. Wakaba, Laxus and Lucy were nowhere in sight, but Evergreen was currently searching through the rubble for anyone else who was missing, so they would probably be found soon. Zeref was lying face-down on the floor with Mavis on top of him. The celestial spirits had gone back to their own world.

Zeref sat up, lifting the first guild master off of him. "I certainly hope your guild has a large enough budget to repair this damage, Makarov… Makarov?"

"He's still asleep," snapped the muffled voice of Mirajane.

"Damned ex-ceiling!" Gajeel finally managed to move the former roof off of himself, Mirajane and Elfman. "Come on, we need to find the survivors, you idiots."

"We _all _survived, Gajeel," Levy pointed out.

"We don't know that," the dragon slayer answered darkly. "I mean, look around. Lucy, Laxus and Wakaba are all missing."

"He's actually right for once," Mirajane said sadly. "They might be dead…"

"_I ain't dead, yo fools!" _Everyone looked up to see Laxus angrily climb out of the rubble.

"I'm still alive. You can thank whatever gods you worship now," Lucy announced, also climbing out.

"Where's my cigar? I need my cigar…" Wakaba felt around desperately for the cigar he had been smoking last night.

Mavis yawned, opening her eyes. "…It's morning…?"

"Yes, Mavis. It's morning," Zeref sighed.

Cana shrugged and threw the empty beer can over her shoulder. It hit Macao in the side of the head, startling him awake. Cana simply ignored his complaints.

"My throat hurts," Sting commented.

"Probably from all the terrible singing," Rogue grumbled.

"Not like you were any better at it than I was," Sting snickered, earning a glare.

"What time is it?" Alzack yawned.

"About seven in the morning," Bisca replied.

"…Too early…" Alzack went back to sleep with his head on Bisca's shoulder.

Makarov finally woke up as a grumpy Evergreen walked over and hit him on the head. "…So the party's over?" he asked, looking around. "Oh dear. I hope we have enough money to pay for all this damage."

"I d-don't think we do, master…" Wendy muttered, pulling Romeo and Carla out from underneath a wooden beam.

"Bickslow!"

The mage yelped as Freed slapped him across the face, waking him up. "What was that for?!"

"You were still asleep," Freed replied, before realizing that Laxus was towering over both of them, and quickly giving him back his coat. Satisfied, the dragon slayer walked away.

"Everyone up and at 'em!" Erza roared. "We have to start repairing this damage!"

"We can't!" everyone yelled in unison. They were right; it was physically impossible to rebuild the guild from what little remained of it.

"Then we must find a way to earn enough money and build an entirely new guild!" Erza announced. "Everyone, go find a job!"

"But where are we going to keep the guild while we're waiting for the actual building to be rebuilt?" Wendy asked.

The redhead thought for a moment, before sighing. "I guess we're going to have to move into the former café that's up for rent a few blocks away until we can get the place fixed up."

"A café?" Natsu perked up. "So there's gonna be lots of food?"

"No, Natsu," Erza snapped. "I said _former _café. It's for sale because the former owner left it."

Natsu seemed to deflate.

"Everybody, collect whatever possessions you have left," Erza commanded. "We're going to the café."

Only a few hours later, everyone was in the café. Well, almost everyone.

"Have you guys seen Levy?" Gajeel asked.

"I think she's in the hospital," Happy answered, chewing a mouthful of fish.

Gajeel stood up. "The hospital?!"

"Yeah. She went to work there in hopes of earning enough money to build a new guild."

"And where are Gray, Mirajane, Freed, and Natsu?"

"Well, I think they went for a doctor's appointment or something. Except Natsu. He went to the grocery store. Although I'm not sure whether Lucy gave him the right directions or not…"

Gajeel thought for a moment. He had a piercing in his brain which he had been trying to get removed for a while, but he didn't trust any old doctor to do it. Now that Levy was there…

"I'm going to the doctor's office," he declared, before heading out of the door.

Happy shrugged and continued attacking his dinner.

* * *

When Gajeel arrived in the doctor's office, the first thing he noticed was that Gray, Mirajane, Freed, Natsu and Jelall were all near the front of the line. And they were requesting some very interesting things now that there was finally a doctor they trusted.

"Help!" Gray cried. "I can't stop stripping! I need a prescription for this!"

"I don't know if there's a medicine that can help you stop stripping," Levy answered, bewildered.

"Please!" Gray fell to his knees, begging. "I just want to keep my clothes on!"

"Err… the best I can give you is this, I'm afraid," the bluenette replied, handing him a bottle of superglue. "Apply it to the inside of your clothing every morning when you get dressed and your clothes are sure to stay on."

"Thank you, doctor Levy!" Gray bowed and left the office.

"Next!" Levy shouted as Gajeel took his place at the back of the line.

A groaning Mirajane stepped forward. "I don't know what it is, Levy, but I've been getting really bad back pains recently… Lucy was complaining about it, too. I don't know what's causing it…"

Levy sighed. "Mira, it's probably just arthritis or something. I'll get you some pills for that." She handed Mirajane the bottle of pills.

"Thanks, Levy!" Mirajane skipped out of the room.

"I'm going to ask this bluntly," Freed sighed, stepping forward. "Is there a medicine to cure homosexuality?"

"No. Fuck off," Levy said as kindly as possible.

The two lighting-shaped cowlicks on top of his head drooping, Freed left the office.

Jelall, who was next in line, walked toward the desk. "Erza shoved her boyfriend down my throat," he sobbed.

Levy blinked. "She _what?"_

"She shoved her boyfriend down my throat," Jelall repeated.

"You mean… _Erza actually has a boyfriend?!" _Levy cried.

"Yes! Now please just help me get him out!"

Sighing, the blue-haired doctor grabbed Jelall by the arm and shoved him into the room behind her. There was a sign on the door which read "Surgery". Soon, the sounds of a chainsaw and Jelall's screams could be heard from behind the door.

Levy smiled brightly. "Next!"

Natsu narrowed his eyes at her. "Is this a grocery store? You don't look like a cabbage…"

Levy sighed. "No, Natsu, I am not a cabbage. And no, this is not a grocery store."

"Are you sure? Lucy gave me directions to this place…"

"Yes, Natsu, I'm certain that this isn't a grocery store. And… may I ask why you're dressed as a clown?"

"Huh? Oh, that. This is my grocery shopping costume." Natsu waved a hand dismissively.

"O…K…" Levy looked somewhat freaked out, but kept smiling. "Why don't you just go back there for a moment?" Grabbing Natsu by the shoulder, she led him to another door on the other side of the room and pushed him in, before closing the door and returning to her desk. The sign on this door read "Mental Ward". "Next," Levy smiled.

Gajeel walked up the desk. "I have a piercing in my brain. I might need it surgically removed."

"How did you get a piercing in your brain, Gajeel?" Levy asked.

"I have no clue," the dragon slayer replied.

"Well, someone else is in the surgery room right now," Levy told him. "So just sit and wait until he's finished."

Gajeel obediently sat down in one of the chairs and waited for the screams of Jelall to stop.

After what seemed like forever, the chainsaw finally stopped, and Jelall walked out of the surgery room, followed by the surgeon. Gajeel couldn't really see the latter, since they were hidden behind a wall, but he heard a familiar voice which was definitely female speaking to Levy.

"I cut him open, doctor Levy, but all I could find was this."

"…A cake?" the doctor asked, confused.

"Yes, that's Erza's boyfriend," Jelall confirmed. "I'd better take him back to her. She said something about wanting to speak to him once he was out of my stomach…"

"…You'd better head back to the guild – I mean, err, the café, if that's the case." Levy dismissed Jelall, and Gajeel heard the sound of the door closing as the unknown surgeon returned to her lair. "Gajeel Redfox! The surgeon is ready for you!"

The iron dragon slayer stood up and walked into the surgeon's room without a word.

* * *

"Hello. You must be Gajeel," the surgeon said once the patient was lying down. She was facing the other way, so it was impossible to see her face, and she wore a cap to cover her hair. "Just give me a moment… Ah, here's the chainsaw. OK, are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'm –" Gajeel began impatiently, but stopped when the surgeon turned around. "Lisanna?!"

"Yes, it's me," Lisanna smiled. "I'm working here as a surgeon, helping Levy to earn enough money to construct a new guild." Her face split into an evil grin. "Now, I'm going to have to open your skull. Hold still, and I promise this won't hurt… much."

Outside, in the doctor's office, screams and chainsaw noises could be heard once again, accompanied by maniacal laughter. As this happened, a small white shape wearing a doctor's coat emerged from the Mental Ward and flew up to Levy's desk. She looked down at the exceed.

"Hello, Carla. Did you send Natsu to the asylum?" she asked calmly.

"No," Carla replied. "But I sent him to the circus. It seemed like a more… fitting punishment."

"It's the same thing, really," Levy sighed.

At that moment, the door burst open, and the manager of the entire hospital stepped into the room. "What on earth is all this screaming for? Why is a cat working in my office? Doctor McGarden, _what is going on in here?!"_

* * *

Only an hour later, Levy found herself sitting in a chair back at the guild-café, her face buried in her hands.

"It's OK, Levy," Lucy comforted her friend, patting her on the back. "It was bound to happen eventually."

"Gee, that's _so _comforting, Lucy." The bluenette lay her head down on the table. "I guess that means no money for us, since Lisanna and Carla were fired as well…"

"Stop rubbing it in!" Lisanna sobbed.

"It's your own fault for being such an axe-crazy psychopath!" Levy snapped.

"You're all hopeless…" Carla hissed under her breath.

"We're not hopeless, we just need a plan B," Wendy told her. "And possibly a plan C. Oh, and we might also need a plan D."

At that moment, one of the keys Lucy had temporarily placed down on the table began to glow, and Leo popped out of his gate. At the exact same time, Mirajane, Alzack and Erza all kicked down various doors on different sides of the room. "I have a plan B!" all four of them screamed at the same time.

Lucy spun around in her chair, smirking. "Let's hear it, then."


	3. The 4 Plan Bs

**Author's note: Three chapters in less than 24 hours. I think that's my new record...**

**Thank you for your review, XxFairyTail1! I also appreciate all of you who have followed or favourited this story!**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

As soon as Lucy had asked to hear Erza's plan, the redhead approached the blonde, lifted her off of her chair, and promptly broke all four of her limbs. "I'm going to put you in a wheelchair and drive you around the city, trying to get donations for the crippled girl," Erza explained. "Works every time. Play on the average human being's natural sympathy and you can always get what you want."

"Did you have to break my arms and legs?!" Lucy shrieked. "Couldn't I just, y'know, _pretend?!_"

"Pretending never does the trick," Erza stated.

Lucy sighed. "What did you three have in mind?" she asked.

"It's a secret," Leo smiled. "But it's a very easy way to make money. I'll go execute my brilliant plan right now." He left the café, giggling to himself.

"I'm going to need two other people, a gun, and a policeman's uniform," Alzack told them.

Bisca grabbed Laki and dragged her over to Alzack, despite the violette's protests.

"Cookies!" Mirajane stated, holding up a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies.

"That's never going to make enough money, Mirajane," Lucy sighed.

"Just watch me." With an evil smirk, Mirajane transformed into her Satan Soul form and flew out of the door.

* * *

"Donations! Donations for the crippled little girl!" Erza sang, pushing Lucy along the pavement in her wheelchair with one hand and holding up a hat she had stolen from Juvia in the other. The white and blue hat was already about one-quarter full. "See, Lucy? I told you it would work!" the requip mage laughed.

Lucy groaned in pain. "Couldn't you use Wendy as the crippled girl or something? People would have more sympathy for her, since she's younger and all…"

Erza gasped. "Lucy! What are you suggesting?! I could never hurt a child!"

"Sure, sure…" the blonde murmured, thinking back to all the times when Erza actually _had _hurt a child, whether it was deliberately or not. A quarter hit her in the side of the head, causing her to groan again.

"Besides, you were closer to where I was standing. _Donations for the crippled little girl, please!"_

"I'm not even that little, Erza!"

"People will have more sympathy if I say you're little!"

"…Humph."

* * *

Somewhere reasonably far away, Mirajane, back in her normal form, rang Porlyusica's doorbell. As soon as the old woman opened the door, Mira put on her sweetest smile and held up the plate of cookies. "Hello! Would you like to buy these delicious chocolate chip cookies?"

"No. I can bake my own cookies. Now piss off!" Porlyusica slammed the door. Before she could even turn away, however, the doorbell rang again, with a somewhat menacing tone. She flung the door open. "What now?!"

Mirajane stood there, grinning like a maniac, back in her Satan Soul form. "Buy the cookies or you'll be waking up in hell tomorrow morning."

* * *

"OK, so just to review: I'll pretend to kill people and get a huge bounty on my head, and then Bisca will turn me in to the police. After Bisca gets the reward, Laki, who will be disguised as a policewoman, can get me out of jail. OK?" Alzack looked expectantly at his two "partners in crime".

"…I really don't think this is going to work, Al." Bisca looked worried.

Laki sighed. "Well, this guild is all about risks. It's worth a shot."

Five minutes later, Alzack was in jail.

"That was actually impressive," Laki commented. "I've never seen anyone get arrested so fast."

"Too bad you actually _killed _Cana, so we can't legally get you out of jail," Bisca told him. "Sorry."

Alzack, his arms folded, glared at them. "Leave me alone."

The other two shrugged and walked out.

In the darkness, Mirajane smirked. It was nice to finally have some company down here.

* * *

"Hello, madam." Leo stepped in front of some random woman on the street. Before she could open her mouth to speak, he continued: "I'm here on official business approved by the Fairy Tail guild. I'm afraid I'm going to have to rob you. You don't mind, do you? No? No objections? OK. _Bitchslap attack!_"

Leo bitchslapped the woman, stole her purse, and ran for his life.

Unfortunately for him, he wasn't quite fast enough. And there were about twenty policemen on that particular street.

* * *

Leo sulked in his jail cell, ignoring Mirajane, who was blabbering in his ear from a few cells away.

"Personally, Leo, I'm glad you got arrested. It's nice that I finally have some real company. I mean, Alzack's been down here for an hour or so, too, but he won't speak to me. Actually, he won't speak to anyone. Hey, I wonder when Laki's going to bail us out of this place. I don't like this cell. It's so dark and dirty and smelly. Eww. The last prisoner in this cell even left their unwashed socks here…"

"Shut _up, _Mira!" Leo growled.

"OK, OK! Jeez. Someone's grumpy…"

"You can hardly blame me," the celestial spirit said. "I mean, I was arrested today."

* * *

Cana lay in the darkness, pounding on the ceiling which seemed uncomfortably close to her head, despite the fact that she was lying on her back. "God dammit! Will someone get me out of here?! I'm claustrophobic and it's too hot and, worst of all, _there's not even a drop of alcohol! _God! If you're gonna bury me in a coffin, at least bury a few beers with me for when I wake up! Hey, is anyone listening? Let me out!"

Romeo clung to his father's side. "Dad, she's come back from the dead…"

Macao, his face as white as paper, nodded. "I know, Romeo. It seems we have a zombie on our hands. An angry, alcohol-addicted, sober zombie."

Romeo gulped and backed away.

"I'm not dead, you damned idiots!" Cana shouted, overhearing their conversation. "Let me out!"

"She thinks she's not dead, dad."

"I know, son."

"I'm _not _dead! The moron only shot me with a sleep bullet, not a real bullet! Are you retarded or something?!"

"Dad, she thinks we're retards."

"I know, son."

"I don't think you're retards, you retards! I _know _you're retards!"

"Dad, I don't think we should let her out of that coffin."

"I know, son."

"_Oh, for God's sake!" _Cana kicked open the lid of the coffin, sat up, and took a deep breath.

Romeo and Macao both ran away, shrieking at the top of their lungs.

* * *

"…So how much money did we make altogether?" Makarov asked. "Three of the four plans failed, so the only ones who really managed anything were Erza and Lucy. How did it go, you two?"

"We made ten dollars and eighty-four cents," Erza replied, shaking the stolen hat.

"What?!" Makarov stood up to his full height of about three feet. "This is an outrage! That's not nearly enough money!"

"Well…" Erza looked sheepish. "We were planning on combining our money with whatever the other three groups had scraped up. We didn't think all of the responsibility would fall onto our shoulders, so…"

"I don't think my shoulders can handle much more," Lucy groaned.

The reply was interrupted by Macao and his son suddenly bursting into the room and proceeding to run around like headless chickens, screaming something about a zombie.

Cana walked into the room. "Beer…" she moaned in a zombielike voice.

The rest of the room began to freak out along with Macao and Romeo, with the exception of Lucy, who couldn't move.

"Beeeeeeerrrr…."

"We're all going to die!" Wendy sobbed.

"We will not die!" Erza shouted. She stepped forward to face Cana, drawing her sword. "I'll handle this myself…"


	4. Jelly Baby

"Beeeeeeerrrr…" Cana groaned, drinking an entire barrel filled with beer. She wiped her mouth. "Ah, that's better. I hate being sober…"

Erza blinked. This was a quick change from the zombie woman who had been stumbling around the room a few seconds earlier. Maybe "sober" to Cana was what "drunk" was to most people?

…That actually seemed pretty likely.

As the redhead sheathed her sword, Laki said, "So what are we going to do about the guild building, since we now have fifty-three dollars and eighty cents altogether in our budget? And what are we supposed to do about those three in jail?"

"I could easily send Leo back to his world if I could use my keys." Lucy glared at Erza. "In other words, if my arms weren't broken!"

Jelall walked in. "I don't know about the jail problem… but the guild is back."

Everyone stood up from shock.

"What do you mean the guild is back?! We haven't paid anyone, and even if we did, it couldn't _possibly –" _Freed began.

Jelall placed a finger over Freed's mouth. "Shh your face, woman."

"I'm not a woman!"

"Shh!" Jelall whispered, glancing around the room furtively. "Nobody needs to know that."

"So you say the guild was repaired?" Cana asked, hiccupping. "Let me see this."

"Certainly."

* * *

Everybody stood there, just gaping at the building before them. It was exactly like the old Fairy Tail guild, not one brick out of place. Even the bright orange flag bearing the guild's logo was back, exactly the same way it had been, with every wrinkle in the same position.

"How did he…" Evergreen began.

"Who cares?" Mavis leapt toward the doors. "Our home is back! Let's go!"

As everyone rushed inside the "new" guild, Jelall turned around just in time to see a pale hand giving him the thumbs-up, followed by a flash of dark purple hair disappearing behind the building.

* * *

"Even the request board is the same!" Lucy squealed.

"Wow! I remember this dust!" Bickslow examined the floorboards. "Every speck is in the same place!"

"My alcohol!" Cana cried. "All the alcohol is back!"

"Strange, I thought we drank it all at the New Year's party…" Macao mumbled.

Jelall sobbed. "Not one of them thanked me…"

"Aww, it's OK, Jelly Baby." Erza patted him on the back.

"Now we just need to get those three out of jail," Laki sighed.

"Oh, I know how we can do that!" Mavis began to jump up and down.

"How?" Almost everyone asked in unison.

Mavis smiled. "With Lucy's keys, a can of dog food and Wakaba's cigar."

* * *

The plan went something like this:

First, a small team made up of Mavis, Jet, and Wakaba would sneak into the police station. Jet was holding Lucy's keys in one hand. Mavis had the dog food she had mentioned earlier. Wakaba had a cigar. Then there was the procedure.

While Wakaba created a thick smokescreen using his cigar and smoke magic, causing the guards to stumble around blindly, Jet would sneak up to the nail in the wall which the prison keys were hanging from and steal them. He would replace them with Lucy's celestial spirit keys, which had been painted to look exactly like the real keys, much to the spirits' annoyance.

After Mavis used the dog food to lure the guard dogs away, Jet would break into the prison itself and unlock the doors of their friends' cells using the keys he had stolen. Then he would somehow manage to carry all three of them at once and make a run for it while the other two created a diversion. Then Mavis and Wakaba would escape the police themselves.

This plan was surprisingly successful. It wasn't until Jet was running away with Mirajane over one shoulder, Alzack over the other, and Leo on his back that they encountered the guard.

"Halt!" the guard shouted. Jet attempted to run past him, but crashed into the wall and almost dropped the three escapees.

"Watch where you're going!" Mira snapped, gently rubbing her broken behind, which had been smashed into the wall.

"What do you think you're doing?" another guard asked, stepping through the door of the cell block. "You can't just run off with those!"

"Stop referring to us as if we're objects!" Leo snapped.

"I'll handle this," Mavis said. "You guys just stand back. I'll use my Fairy Glitter to knock them out cold."

Wakaba laughed. "Fairy glitter? Isn't that the stuff they put on little girls' Halloween costumes?"

"I said stand back," Mavis answered darkly. Pale in the face, Jet placed a hand on Wakaba's shoulder and dragged him as far away from Mavis as possible.

And Mavis unleashed the Fairy Glitter.

Actually, a more fitting name for it would be Fairy Nuke.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the team and the escapees returned to the guild, looking badly burnt but uninjured.

"What happened?" Lisanna asked them.

The other five pointed to Mavis. "She happened," they said in unison.

"Sure, blame it on the blonde!" Mavis sobbed.

"So she used the Fairy Nuke – I mean, uh, Fairy Glitter?" Cana asked.

The rescue team nodded.

As the six of them headed off to remove the ashes which covered them from head to toe, Jelall approached Erza. "Hey Erza, I almost forgot. You said you wanted to talk to your boyfriend once he was out of my stomach, right?"

"Yes, I did," Erza replied. "Thank you, Jelly Baby!" She took the cake which Jelall was holding out to her and placed it carefully on the table, before sitting down in the chair in front of it. "So, uh, Cake… We've been dating for a while now…" There was a pause. "…Yeah, me too. So I was wondering…" She pushed the chair back and got down on one knee. "W…. Will you marry me, Cake?"

There was another pause, slightly longer this time.

Then Erza stood up, squealing at the top of her lungs. "Yes?! Really? Woot! Woot!" She pumped her fist in the air. "OK, we get married in five days! Don't be late! Wendy, Lucy, you two are bridesmaids! Jelly Baby, you're the best man!"

"Five days?" Wendy asked. "Isn't that a little… you know… soon?"

"Nah, it's plenty of time," Erza answered, placing the engagement ring on top of the cake.

"So who's gonna bake the wedding cake?" Natsu asked.

Erza gasped in horror. "Natsu! Why would there be a wedding cake?! My beloved strawberry cake might fall in love with her, and that would be disastrous!"

Gray nodded, pouncing on the opportunity to insult Natsu. "Yeah, Natsu. Don't suggest stupid things like that, you nincompoop."

Natsu deflated.

Mirajane appeared overhead, on the second floor's balcony which overlooked the guild hall. A microphone stood before her. She tapped on the microphone and waited for everyone's attention. "Ahem, everyone… Now that I'm back from jail, I have an important announcement to make. The Fairy Tail guild is being asked to make a video on a very serious, heavy topic... the abuse of ostriches. Let's take a look at Bobby Joe, the ostrich the Magic Council has loaned us especially for this video." An ostrich with a bright pink afro walked forward obediently. "As you can see, Bobby Joe has several scars, and yet he was completely unharmed when he got here."

Several gasps, murmurs, and sounds of sympathy ran through the guild hall.

"This can only mean one thing…" Mira narrowed her eyes as she scanned the crowd. "Somebody in this room has physically abused Bobby Joe since he arrived here! You may step forward now and avoid being punished! Unless you are Natsu!"

"I'll bet it was Vijeeter!" Max cried. "He hates ostriches!"

Vijeeter huffed. "You're just blaming me because you're jealous of my majestic dance moves! It was clearly Warren!"

"Me?! It was Bisca!" Warren squeaked.

"Ha, as if!" Bisca glared at Warren. "I'd never hurt an ostrich! Blame Laki!"

"How could you blame me, one of your closest friends?!" Laki gasped. "It wasn't me, it was obviously Alzack!"

"What?! No!" Alzack glared at her. "It was Cana. Look at her! Guilt is written all over that face!"

"It was mah beer!" Cana slurred. Everyone looked at her as if she had three heads. Actually, it was closer to twenty heads and three eyes on each, but never mind.

"Haha, yes! T'was I!" the beer cackled.

Mirajane glared at the offending drink. "Go sit in the corner!" she snapped. "And consider yourself out of the guild! Nobody in here hurts an ostrich and gets away with it!"

Everyone made a mental note to never hurt an ostrich again unless they were trying to get kicked out of Fairy Tail.

"Alright!" Mira stood up, smiling, as soon as the beer was in the time-out corner. "Let's start making this video!"


End file.
